


and you will never know

by stonestars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Wonderland, angst is pretty canon typical, theres a lot of it though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 12:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14105211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: It starts like this; Magnus carries Taako through the entrance to Wonderland and Merle waddles in behind them.It ends like this; he looks in her eyes and feels like he can’t breathe but doesn’t know why.





	and you will never know

**Author's Note:**

> ... it’s angst guys. A whole mess of it. Please enjoy suffering, I know I did.

It starts like this; Magnus carries Taako through the entrance to Wonderland and Merle waddles in behind them.

It ends like this; he looks in her eyes and feels like he can’t breathe but doesn’t know why.

-

_“Skull’s a nasty one. Skull is… sort of like delayed gratification. Well, not for you. For… me. Um, all skull means is at some point in the future, you will face some pretty bad luck. I’m not gonna tell you what that means necessarily but I will be honest. It won’t be great. What do you say, Taako?”_

_“... Nah.”_

_“I do wanna point out it will only affect you, Taako. It’s your burden to bear.”_

_“No, I mean, it’s a skull. That’s what I got. ...Yeah, fine, I’ll take the bad luck.”_

_-_

Magnus, still glowing from the success of his plan to ground the Dire Bear, doesn’t hear the sound of bolts clinking to the ground across the room above Taako’s head, but it’s _impossible_ not to hear the sound that comes next.

A horrible creaking sound comes from the ceiling, and just as Magnus begins to turn around a giant piece of machinery plummets straight towards Taako’s head.

Magnus goes to cry out, goes to warn him, goes to cross the room, and Taako, having seen the bolts, tries to jump out of the way, but the machinery does not give him the chance to.

It hits him square in the torso, pinning him from the shoulders down. Magnus sees the way Taako’s face twists up in agony, sees his eyes slip closed from the pain of the damage, and he can’t help but call out.

“Taako?”

Of course, there’s no reply. Merle grimaces, readying himself to move. “I’ll heal him,” the dwarf says. “Though I don’t know how much good it’d do with his current situation.”

Even with his limited medical knowledge, Magnus knows how urgent it is to get someone unconscious stabilized. He’s seen enough of his friends die because they couldn’t make it in time. “Still, we have to try. I’ll…” he looks up at the one remaining Dire Bear and the slime. “I’ll take care of these.”

-

When the fight is over, and Taako has blinked his way out from under the machine, they turn and find the pair of elves standing in front of them.

Magnus immediately feels uneasy.

“What do you want?” Taako spits, slowly standing with Merle’s help.

The pair look at each other, and then back at the trio, both of them smiling with an unsettling level of synchronization.

“That _was_ a lovely fight, dears,” the female elf says.

“But, unfortunately, you guys _cheated_ ,” her male counterpart adds.

“ _Cheated_ ?” Taako says, steadier on his feet now. “ _I_ didn’t drop a giant hunk of metal on someone.”

The female elf shakes a finger in his direction. “You _know_ the rules,” she says, “once you sacrifice something here, you don’t get it back!”

“What my sister means by that,” the male elf says, “is that there is no healing in Wonderland.”

A cloud of black energy floats around each of them. Magnus feels the wounds Merle had just healed up reopen, and he sees the same happen to Merle. But Taako…

Taako falls to the ground, unconscious again.

Magnus and Merle explode into action. Merle kneels down next to Taako, preparing to channel another spell. Magnus steps forward towards the pair of elves, ready for a fight.

“I _really_ wouldn’t do that, dear,” the female elf says, appearing next to Merle. Magnus spins to face her, and Edward speaks from far too close behind him.

“You shouldn’t burn your spell slots, we won’t let you heal him. Not… yet.”

Magnus grits his teeth and shakes his head to Merle, who backs off but doesn’t stand up from Taako’s side.

“We _can_ heal him, though?” Magnus asks, turning to face the pair of elves as they appear together again, just behind him.

“If you play your cards right, there is a _chance,”_ the female elf says.

“Of course, you’ll have to give something else up. But…” the male elf adds.

“That’s something for you to think about _later,”_ she finishes, gesturing towards a door that has appeared in the wall behind them. “We’ll keep his body safe of course, don’t you worry.” And she waves her hand, Taako disappearing into black smoke that dissolves throughout the room.

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Merle asks, coming to stand next to Magnus.

The male elf smiles. “I suppose… you won’t.”

“But you’ll just have to trust us, dears,” the female elf finishes. “After all, you don’t have much of a choice, now do you?”

(They do not notice Cam in the corner, watching them with immense pity in his eyes and wondering if the next team might have a better chance.)

-

When they spin again, only twice this time, and Merle has to give up his eye and Magnus gives up 10 years of his life, they have to take it without complaint. Magnus forces himself to smile when the male elf remarks “I gotta say, you guys are really taking this in stride.”

“You know, I’m just happy to be here,” he says, trying not to think about Taako.

The male elf opens his mouth to say something, and the female puts a hand on his shoulder. “Edward, dear,” she says. It’s almost a warning.

The male elf--Edward--sighs and waves his hand, the door across the room opening.

Magnus and Merle nod to each other.

As they pass the pair of elves, Magnus hears Edward say “I don’t know, Lydia, maybe we should go harder on them? They don’t seem to be that upset about all this.”

“Oh, trust me,” Lydia says. “They are. We just need to give them some time. In fact,” as Magnus glances back at her, he sees her cup her hand over her mouth so that they can’t hear. He’s barely able to make out what she says in pieces before he and Merle step through the door and it disappears behind them. “Why don’t-- repeat the same-- killed their friend.”

(Barry watches as they spin. He feels sick to the stomach he doesn’t have. He can’t accept that Taako is _dead_ , can’t bring himself to trust that the Wonderland liches will bring him back. He decides to watch for a while longer, that alerting Magnus to his presence like he planned wouldn’t be smart right now. He follows them through the door, hoping he won’t have to do anything drastic to save them.)

They’re back in the room with the buttons, and Magnus and Merle exchange looks and nod to each other.

Lydia and Edward appear in front of the platform with the buttons. “Well, usually we’d let chance decide who steps up next, but since there are only two of you we figure--”

“Trust,” Merle interrupts.

“Both of us choose trust,” Magnus adds.

Lydia stares at them for an instant. She looks at Edward, who nods almost imperceptibly.

“Very well then,” she says. “I suppose we don’t need to stand on ceremony, then.” And as Merle and Magnus watch, the screen lights up with _Your decision: trust. Their decision: trust._

Edward sighs. “Well, that’s _boring,_ isn’t it Lydia dear.”

“Well,” Lydia says. “It _would_ be. Usually,” she says, and she claps her hands together, a door opening in the far wall showing a board-game like room, “this would be your challenge. But…” she waves her hand, and the room changes, going back to the Monster Factory they had been in just minutes ago. “Since you all… cheated last time, we’re going to have you battle in the Monster Factory again.”

“Of course, it will be easier because you both trusted, but… well, I suppose it’s an exchange for being one companion down, now isn’t it,” Edward says with a smile.

-

This time, only two dice fall from the ceiling. “Since there’s only two of you, we’ll roll the last dice,” Lydia says.

“We might tell you what it is, we might not,” Edward says. Their voices are coming from somewhere Magnus can’t see.

“I’ll roll the monster?” Merle offers, picking up the dice that’s almost as tall as he is.

“Go for it,” Magnus replies, picking up the other dice.

They throw the dice at the same time, Magnus watching as his lands on electric. _Could be worse,_ he thinks as he looks to see what Merle rolled. His heart sinks.

_Dragon._

“Ooooh, an electric _dragon,”_ Edward exclaims.

Merle groans. “Aw, shit, sorry Mags.” A tiny wisp of smoke escapes his mouth.

Magnus shakes his head. “It’s fine, we got this,” he says, trying to fake confidence to prevent more of the smoke from escaping.

The pair of elves had gone silent for a long minute, but Lydia finally speaks. “Well, we rolled the final attribute of your foe and…”

“Well, we think it’d be better to just let you find out during your battle,” Edward finishes. The machinery begins to whirr, and it only takes a minute for a large dragon to appear in the air in front of them, sparks exploding from its mouth as it roars at the pair of heroes in front of it.

-

Merle swings his battle axe into the already near-dead dragon, a sickening noise sounding through the room as the dragon crumples to the ground.

As Merle turns to celebrate, a wide grin on his face, about to say something about how this time they managed to kill it without getting hurt _too_ bad- after all, Merle still has a few more good hits in him and Magnus does too- the dragon’s body starts to glow with electric energy.

And as Magnus watches, opens his mouth to cry out an instant too late, he sees Merle be thrown forward by a blast from the dragon, straight into the wall. Magnus manages to jump out of the way of the blast, but he watches in horror as Merle does not stand up from where he falls to the floor.

As soon as he makes it back to his feet, Magnus rushes across the room to the dwarf’s side, his worst suspicions confirmed.

Merle had been knocked unconscious from the blast. And even if there _was_ healing in Wonderland, Magnus had no ability to do so.

He hears Edward laugh with almost too much delight. “Ah, yes,” he says. “You see, Magnus, your foe was not just an electric dragon…”

“It was an _exploding_ electric dragon,” Lydia finishes.

Magnus had been trying to keep from expressing any negative emotions, trying to stop himself from giving the pair of elves exactly what they want, but he can’t help it now. “Bring him--them--back,” he snaps, climbing to his feet again and striding to the center of the room.

Edward materializes in front of him. “Now, that wouldn’t be very fair to anyone _else_ who has come through Wonderland, now would it? You can’t expect us to make an _exception--_ ”

Magnus swings the Railsplitter through Edward’s form, which disintegrates into black smoke as he does.

“Now, Magnus,” Lydia says, appearing by his side and putting a hand on his shoulder that he cannot feel, “don’t be so _violent_.”

He swings his axe at her, too. It doesn’t matter to him that it doesn’t connect with anything, he slashes it back through the black smoke in front of him with a vengeance.

Losing a finger, Magnus can accept. He can even accept giving up ten years of his life. At least then, he’ll see Julia sooner. And he can accept Merle having to give up his darkvision and an eye. He can barely, just barely, accept Taako shouldering bad luck.

But he can’t accept his friends being taken from him.

In that moment, he does not care if he’s going to have to burn this whole building down with all the other contestants inside of it. He _is_ going to save his friends.

Edward appears again to his left. “Please, Magnus,” he says, as Magnus cleaves through him once again.

“...you don’t have to…” Lydia appears in front of him, and Magnus swings at her too. She disappears before he can hit her.

“... _attack_ us,” Edward adds from behind Magnus. By the time Magnus turns around to swing at him, he is already gone.

He knows they are taunting him, playing with him. Knows that if they wanted to they could just talk to him from somewhere beyond the ceiling. But as he sees Lydia appear out of the corner of his eye, the thought does nothing to stop him from swinging at her.

“After all, we told you you’ll have a chance to get them _back_ ,” Lydia manages to get out as she once more dissolves into a cloud of smoke, Magnus’s axe passing through her.

“You follow the rules, you accept what we send your way, and we promise you’ll see your friends again.” Edward does not bother to materialize to tell Magnus this, instead a part of the wall opens in front of him.

“Go on, then,” Lydia says from somewhere above him.

“And if I don’t?”

“Well then, I suppose you’ll _never_ have the chance to get your friends back, now will you?” Edward answers.

Magnus grits his teeth, puts Railsplitter back in its place on his back, and casts one last look at Merle before walking through the door.

-

Magnus stands, defiantly, in front of the wheel.

“ _Well,_ dear,” Lydia says. “I suppose you only have to roll once this time.”

Magnus tries to ignore the fact that it feels like he can’t breathe. He couldn’t protect Taako, couldn’t protect Merle. He’d failed both of them at his _only fucking job._

He raises his chin towards her and narrows his eyes. “ _Fuck you_ ,” he growls. The smoke that seeps from his mouth does not surprise him.

“Now now,” Edward says. “Settle down. You’re in no position to speak to my _dear_ sister that way.”

Magnus refuses to give them the satisfaction of a reply. Instead, he steps forward and spins the wheel with a ferocity that says it all.

The wheel spins for a long while before slowly clicking to a stop. Click— it ticks past skull and Magnus thinks _how fitting would that be._ Click-- past question mark and Magnus doesn’t think he has anything left to give up. Click-- past hand and Magnus thinks those are all he has left.

Click.

Click.

Click. It lands on mind.

The pair atop the platform are silent for a long moment.

“Well this is… _interesting_ , isn’t it, brother dear,” Lydia says.

Edward nods. “It _is._ I’m sure our friend won’t _mind_ our excitement.”

It takes everything Magnus has in him to maintain his control. “Just. Tell me. What you want,” he growls through gritted teeth.

Edward thinks for a minute. And then, all at once, a horrible grin spreads across his face. “You have someone that you... loved once, right? And they were taken from you by someone who you now hate. I wonder which one would be worse to take from you: the person that you loved or the person that you… hate. I think we’ll go with…” and he grins again, appearing next to Magnus and leaning close, so close that the fighter can see just how much he is relishing in this. When Magnus flinches away, Edward smiles, steps back, and looks up at Lydia, still perched on their platform. Lydia nods. “The former,” he says.

It feels like the world freezes.

Magnus does not hear Edward saying “If you accept this sacrifice, you’ll forget _Julia_ . You’ll forget all about her. You won’t be able to _think_ about her-- you just won’t know anything about Julia. You’ll remember what she did for you, what she _meant_ to you, but you will not remember who she was.”

Or he does hear it, but it doesn’t register. He’s too busy thinking about _Julia_. About the happiest years of his life with her by his side, about the hope he still carries of seeing her one day. Julia, who he loved--loves--more than anyone in the world.

It doesn’t take him long to make up his mind. It’s not a hard decision “I won’t do it,” he says. “Give me the punishment, whatever you want. But I won’t do it.”

Edward and Lydia exchange looks.

Suddenly, Lydia is there in front of Magnus, running a ghostly finger down his cheek. “Don’t be so _hasty_ darling,” she says. “We _know_ this woman means a lot to you, so much that… well… let’s just say you’re _predictable_ , my dear.”

Edward smiles from his place back up on the platform. Magnus does not know when he got there. “Now, Lydia darling, he’s been through a lot.”

“That’s _right,_ ” Lydia says, taking a step back. “How… _insensitive_ of me.” She disappears for an instant, appearing back on the platform next to Edward.

Magnus can’t take it any longer. “I said I won’t do it,” he growls.

“And _I_ said not to be so hasty,” Lydia quips back. She raises a hand into the air. “We know that there is very little that would make you give us something like _Julia--_ ” Magnus practically growls at the sound of her saying Julia’s name “--but… well, it would be so _interesting,_ wouldn’t it, Edward dear?”

“That it would,” Edward responds, smiling.

“So, we’re prepared to offer you… a deal.” Lydia snaps her fingers, and suddenly Magnus can see Taako and Merle’s bodies on the platform at their feet. “You see…” she says, “there’s no healing in Wonderland. Isn’t that what made you leave behind your dear elven companion?” She gestures to Taako in a large, sweeping motion. Magnus grits his teeth, and she smiles again. “And, of course, what can a _fighter_ like yourself do to save a fallen _cleric_?” she continues, gesturing to Merle.

“Well, there are _some_ people who _can_ heal in Wonderland, dear,” Edward says.

“Two of us, to be exact,” Lydia adds. “If you accept this sacrifice,” she jumps down from the platform again, coming to a stop with her face inches away from Magnus’s. “You’ll forget your _dear_ Julia. But, in return…”

“We’ll heal your companions. Free of charge. Or, well… you know,” Edward finishes.

His hand clenches by his side, so hard that his fingernails dig into his palms, and he tries not to cry. He is not, generally, one for crying. He is one for _action,_ for saving people first and asking questions later, for trusting that his actions will make the world a better place. He rushes in, and tries to make sure that he can live with no regrets.

But it feels like he can’t breathe, and as he stares at the pair, his throat tight and his heart racing, he cannot help the tears that well up in his eyes.

The first thought in his head is of Julia. Magnus wishes he could say he thinks of Taako, of Merle, of their mission, of the fact that _he can save them now_ , but the first thought in his head is of Julia.

He thinks of Julia, ever-strong and steady by his side, making her way through a battlefield with a drawn sword and leading the charge. He thinks of her making her way through the same battlefield only hours later, with an armful of bandages because she’s not a cleric but she’s damn well going to try to save people and, later, after the battles have died down, laughing as Magnus chases her through a field of flowers on a date that might be cheesy but they’ve earned it. He thinks of Julia, and he can see her, coming to a stop under the gazebo that Magnus built with his own two hands and saying “ _yes, I do,_ ” while her eyes tell him that she is sure.

He sees Julia, plopping down in a chair and telling him it smells like grandmas and kissing him goodbye, the whisper of “I love you, Jules” still sitting on his lips as he sets off for a town far enough away that he has no chance of hearing her screams.

He sees Julia, burning with the wreckage of the town he had built a life in.

Even to this day, it’s Julia who Magnus trusts in, the thought of Julia in his future is enough to make him fight in the present. Making her proud is all he’s ever wanted to do.

And then Lydia is there, whispering in his ear, “it would be quite _selfish_ of you not to take this, now wouldn’t it, Magnus _darling._ After all, we won’t give you another chance,” and he _should_ think of Taako and Merle, but he still thinks of Julia.

He thinks of facing Julia, of telling her that he let his two best friends die because he was too in love with her to give her up. He thinks; _if I were to die tomorrow without taking this deal, would I be able to face her?_

And then, only then, does he think of anything else.

He thinks of Taako, a beautiful storm in the kitchen, ever-careful not to use magic in his cooking but always with a flair for the dramatic. He thinks of Angus, watching Taako with eyes full of amazement and admiration. He thinks of Taako, who is “ _good out here_ ” but who is always willing to do a little extra for his friends while playing it off as nothing. He thinks of Taako, and how one night, when Mangus awoke from nightmares filled with screams and smoke and fire and the love he could not save, Taako smiled at him and said “you too, huh,” and even though he didn’t say a word about it he made Magnus a cup of hot chocolate and told him that he knew a few spells for dreamless sleep.

He thinks of Taako, and he sees him crumple to the ground with the whisper of a black haze and sees Taako’s body disappear in a puff of smoke.

And then he thinks of Merle, with his faith and his stubborn incompetent-competence, and the emphasis he places on _living,_ on trusting the flow of the world and going with it. He thinks of Merle, inviting the _Director_ on a spa visit because “aw, it seemed like she was stressed.” He thinks of Merle, sweet-talking plants and waddling along behind him, a constant force in his life. And he thinks of Merle, smiling as he patched Magnus up from yet-another battle and not mentioning the scars on Magnus’s body from years and years of fights almost lost.

He thinks of Merle, and sees him turn to celebrate and then get blasted forward by an explosion that neither of them expected. He sees Merle laying on the floor, unconscious, and he sees Edward and Lydia melting away into smoke as he runs Railsplitter through them again and again.

And then he thinks; _Julia would not want me to let them die for her sake._

And then he thinks; _I don’t want to give her up._

And then he thinks; _I don’t want to give_ **_them_ ** _up._

And then he feels something in his palm. It’s a finger of some sort, tracing symbols in thieves cant against his skin. It takes him a minute to figure out what the symbols are saying.

_Silence. Confirm._

He confirms.

_Secret. Ally. Confirm._

He confirms.

He’s not alone. He closes his eyes. “Julia,” he says, “was my wife. I loved--love--her more than anything.”

Edward raises an eyebrow at him. “Well, we know that, of course,” he says. “But even that will not help you if you forget her, my dear.”

_Remember? Confirm._ The force signs.

He confirms.

“Will Kravitz be able to remind me?” Magnus asks, hoping the force will understand at least at some point in the future.

“No one will be, darling,” Lydia says. “People who know the story can tell it to you, but you just… won’t remember.”

“Even after she was taken from me by Kalen… I promised I wouldn’t let myself forget her… I tried so hard to make her proud…” Magnus says. _‘Remember. Confirm,’_ he signs.

The force confirms.

Magnus takes a deep breath. “Don’t forget,” he whispers.

The force confirms.

“Well, darling, you could always let go of your friends…” Lydia says.

He squares his shoulders, raising his chin to look Lydia and Edward straight in the eyes. “Fine,” he says, clenching his jaw to stop himself from crying. “Bring them back.”

It’s not a painful forgetting. There are no tears, there is no fear, there is no wishing that maybe forgetting won’t be the end. He does not think of Julia, as he forgets, because he no longer has the capacity to-- it happens the instant the words leave his lips. Magnus just… relaxes. And suddenly, he does not know what he has given up. He just knows that he made the right choice, because his friends are standing up, slowly, confused.

(Barry watches, and if he had any physical form he would be crying. He watches Magnus smile at Taako and Merle, watches as he helps them to their feet, and the fact that he does not know what he has forgotten is made worse by the fact that he _will never remember this._

Barry has studied Wonderland. He’s studied the pair of liches, he’s done every bit of research he could do on the Animus Bell without drawing attention to himself. He knows, better than anyone, that there is no way Magnus is getting this back. He does not yet know just _how much_ Julia means to Magnus, does not yet know that Magnus was the man he was when he entered Wonderland because of Julia, but he will, soon.

And when Barry finds out just how much Julia meant to Magnus, it is lucky that he is in his body. Because he knows all too well the pain of forgetting the person you love, the deep ache in your heart that springs from it, and he would not have been able to keep his composure.)

“Your numbers have changed _again_ ,” Lydia says, watching as Magnus helps Taako and Merle stand. “This means you’ll have to spin a few more times, now doesn’t it?” As she says this, the single light above the door turns once more into three.

Merle looks at Magnus, worry clear on his features. “Magnus, what happened?”

“The dragon exploded,” Magnus explains. “It knocked you out but… don’t worry.” He smiles. The kindness behind his smile is still there, but it’s not as deep. Something is… off. “I brought you back.”

It’s not hard for his friends to figure out that something about Magnus has _changed._ And it scares them, just a little, that Magnus does not seem to mind. In fact, he seems the most relaxed they’ve seen him since he’s entered this place.

Taako narrows his eyes at the liches. “What did you fuckers make him give up?”

Edward grins. “Now, where would the fun in telling you that be?”

“Magnus,” Merle urges. “You just spun the wheel, right?”

Magnus frowns. “I mean… I must have, right?” He blinks a few times, slowly, as though the details don’t make sense to him. “Yeah, I spun the wheel, and then they--” he gestures to the elves “--said that if I took the sacrifice, they’d bring you back. So, I took it.” He presses a hand to his head, a terrible headache coming on. “I don’t… I can’t remember…”

“I guess… we’ll figure it out later, bud,” Merle says, quickly realizing that pressing Magnus is not going to do anything more than hurt him.

-

When they step into the next room, they see their faces on the screen once again, pixelated. The trust or forsake buttons are there, too, and Taako reaches towards them with a mage hand to press forsake before they even light up.

Lydia materializes in front of the platform, Edward only seconds behind her. “Now, Taako dear, don’t be so _hasty_ ,” she says. Merles face greys itself out on the screen, but Magnus and Taako’s remain. “Merle, you’ve already played this game. Of course, we _could_ say that Magnus had a turn already, but it wasn’t his decision alone, now was it, Edward?”

“No, it wasn’t,” Edward responds, waving a hand and causing Magnus and Taako’s faces to start flashing, the light going faster and faster until it settles from Magnus’s face to Taako’s to Magnus to Taako to-- Magnus. His face flashes a few times, and Lydia and Edward smile.

“Magnus, darling, it looks like you’re up,” Lydia says.

Taako groans. “Magnus, buddy, listen, I know forsaking is against your moral compass or whatever bullshit, but--”

Magnus surprises him by nodding. “I… know,” he says, frowning a little. “If I forsake… I can keep you guys safe, right?”

Taako and Merle look at each other, at a loss for words. It’s in that moment that they both seem to realize that Magnus gave up more than they had feared to bring them back. Because the only thought in each of their minds is _Magnus would choose trust, even if it meant having to fight harder himself._

Magnus, of course, does not know why his friends are so worried. After all, he _just_ lost them. He can’t risk it happening again.

(The truth of the matter is, there wasn’t just one reason the Magnus that entered Wonderland would’ve chosen trust over forsake without a heartbeats hesitation. There had always been a part of him that thought that choosing forsake and protecting his friends-- and ensuring that they made it out of here to protect more people-- was possibly the best option. But that was outweighed by the reasons he had to chose trust.

The first, and simplest reason, was that choosing trust would hurt other people, and Magnus was not the type of person who would wish that on anyone. Of course, that part of Magnus would never change. Even without his memories of Julia, he still cares deeply about the world around him. It’s just…

The second reason, and the first that he lost, was that he simply wasn’t afraid of dying. He knew that there was a chance choosing trust would be bad for them, from the start, but he figured that he could take the hardest hits, he could protect his friends, and if he died in the process well… he wasn’t afraid of dying.

He wasn’t afraid of dying because even though he wasn’t sure how, dying would mean seeing Julia again. It would mean being able to stop fighting his way through every day without her, it would mean he could finally see her and touch her and _hold_ her again. There were things that Magnus Burnsides was afraid of. But death was not one of them. Until he stopped remembering why death did not scare him.

The third reason, which he lost as well, was a reason he kept close to his heart. He knew that sometimes the things he wanted were not what _Julia_ would’ve wanted, and he lived his life trying to make her proud. It was the reason he didn’t take the Chalice’s deal in Refuge, the reason he was still fighting so hard for a cause he was beginning to doubt his trust in, because he knew that it was something that Julia would’ve done.

But, Magnus doesn’t remember. And in forgetting Julia he’s forgotten a part of himself.)

He’s still a little confused from the memory alteration-- his head hurts when he tries to think about what he gave up too hard, and he doesn’t even know it was his _memory_ that was altered-- but he knows one thing.

He’s going to have to side with Taako on this one.

Magnus Burnsides steps up to the platform, with Taako and Merle and Barry, who is still hidden, and the Wonderland Liches watching, and slowly presses down a button, watching as the letters appear on the wall in front of him. _Your decision: Forsake._

-

When all is said and done, and they manage to escape from Wonderland with their lives and the Animus Bell but without Magnus’s body, and Barry shows himself to Taako and Merle, and they set off for the cave where Barry promises he will tell them everything, Taako and Merle flank him as they are walking down the path.

“Excuse me, Mr. Red Robe, or whatever your name is?” Taako says, coming up on his left. “You were with us the whole time in there, right?”

Barry turns his head, though they can’t see his expression, to Taako. “I was,” he says quietly. He knows what they are about to ask, and he doesn’t think this is something Magnus should hear.

“You know what Magnus gave up, then?” Merle asks from Barry’s right.

Barry is silent for a long moment. “I do.” He hears Magnus’s voice in his head. _I promised I wouldn’t let myself forget her._

“Well, tell us already,” Merle says, impatient.

Barry hesitates. “We… don’t have time to linger on it now,” he says. “Listen, it’s important that you don’t say this name to him, okay? I’m worried that if he tries to think about it too hard something bad will happen. I’ve… seen a lot of people forget things, in Wonderland. It does things to a person--”

“Get to the point,” Taako urges, rolling his eyes. “We can take care of the oaf, don’t worry.”

Once again, Barry hesitates. “Julia…” he says. “He forgot Julia.”

Taako and Merle are silent for a long moment. And then, softly, Barry hears Taako mutter “oh, _shit._ ”

-

Magnus seems… as normal as someone who just lost their body could seem. Of course, Taako and Merle have a hard time reading his mannequin face, and there’s still something about him that just seems… _off_ , but they can’t bring themselves to focus on it now, not with the Animus Bell and plans to break into the Bureau of Balance.

When they find themselves standing in front of Magnus’s body, growing in a pod in the back room of the Fantasy Costco, Magnus insisting that he enter the body while Taako and Merle try to reason with him, they realize that something really _has_ changed. They already knew, but this is when it sinks in.

“I see where your coming from, I mean, honestly--” Taako begins, putting a hand on Magnus’s mannequin shoulder.

“And that’s me! That’s me! Right there!” Magnus argues, shrugging him off.

“It’s - it’s sort of you,” Taako answers, “It’s your body, but is that really you? I mean, honestly?”

Magnus shakes his head. “Don’t you see, Taako, it _has_ to be that body. I have to… if I don’t do it with _those_ two hands I can’t… it won’t be the same.”

“Do what, Magnus,” Merle asks, casting a glance at Taako.

“I have to… If I don’t kill him with those hands, Merle, he won’t _know_.”

“Magnus, slow down, who--”

“ _Kalen,_ ” Magnus spits. “He took something from me. He took something… something important. Something I’m never getting back and the worst part is I _don’t know what he took_ . I have to…” he steps towards the tank, staring at the scars on his arms and hands and body. It’s an exact copy, after all. “If I don’t do it with my own two hands, it won’t mean the same _thing,_ don’t you see?”

Merle and Taako don’t dare push him more.

-

It’s only a few days after they have saved the world that Barry slowly walks up to Kravitz, his expression grim. “Kravitz?”

Kravitz turns, a little alarmed by Barry’s presence. “Barry,” he says, “I told you, we’ll deal with the lich thing later, we can focus on--”

“No, it’s… not that,” Barry says. “What do you know about someone named Julia?”

Kravitz blinks a few times. “It’s… she’s…” he hesitates. No one should know about the deal he made with the Raven Queen for Magnus and Julia, not yet. “How did you learn that name.”

“I was with them in Wonderland when…” Barry sighs. “Maybe we should talk in private?”

Kravitz looks across the room at Magnus, who has hoisted Angus onto his shoulders and is laughing with Taako and Merle and the rest of their friends, and nods.

The two of them walk in relative silence out of the dome the party is being held in.

“You’re Death, right?” Barry asks, not 100% sure where to start.

“I… in a way?”

“I don’t know… did you ever feel Taako or Merle _die_ , in Wonderland?”

Kravitz thinks for a moment. “I was… a little occupied, at the time.”

Barry nods. “Right, right,” he says. “That’s okay. So, in Wonderland, Taako and Merle both died. Sort of. And then, because there’s this rule about healing in Wonderland, Magnus had to cut a deal with the liches that ran it in order to bring them back. And… he gave up Julia.”

Kravitz doesn’t understand, not completely. “What do you mean, _gave up_ Julia?”

“I mean he gave up his memory of her. Completely. He knows he had someone, once, who meant a lot to him, and that that person was taken from him by Kalen, but he has absolutely no concept of Julia,” Barry explains. “Taako and Merle know, but I’m not sure…”

Kravitz is already thinking about Julia, about the look on her face when he’d brought her to the island and told her about the deal. He waves a hand, a rift appearing behind him. He needs to talk to her, plain and simple. “Barry, thank you for telling me,” he says. “I… I’ll talk to her, now.” He glances back towards the dome. “Keep an eye on them, okay?”

“You don’t need to tell me twice,” Barry says.

-

Time works differently in the astral plane. When Kravitz steps onto the island, Julia is still working on the foundation of the house. She stands when she sees him, her eyes full of worry. “He isn’t-- not yet, right?”

Kravitz shakes his head.

He has no idea how to tell her this.

“Julia,” he says. “Magnus… a lot happened, recently, in the material plane. And he… he had to give a lot of things up, in order to save the people he cared about and… well, he…” Kravitz closes his eyes. He is meant to be impartial, meant to not care about things like this. But, in that moment, he’s thinking about Taako and how he would feel if _Taako_ had been the one to make the deal, if _Taako_ had forgotten _him_. It makes it hard to say the words to Julia.

“It’s okay,” Julia says. “You can tell me, whatever it is.”

“He forgot you. I’m not sure the details yet, but he had to give up his memory of you. Barry-- the person who told me about this-- says that he knows that he had someone who meant a lot to him and that Kalen took that person from him, but that he has absolutely no idea who you are, or were.”

Julia pauses for a long moment. “So if he were to die and come here…”

“He wouldn’t know who you were,” Kravitz confirms. “Julia, I’m so sorry, if I had known what would happen I wouldn’t have given you hope like this and--”

“Can you still bring him here, when he dies?” Julia asks.

Kravitz is at a loss for words for a moment. “Julia, he wouldn’t know--”

“I know that,” she says. “But he deserves rest. He deserves…” she shakes her head, as if she is clearing a thought from her mind. “It’s a little selfish of me, but I still want to see him. Even if he doesn’t know me, I can still give him… I don’t know. It just feels…” she squares her shoulders. “I need to do this, Kravitz, and I’m sure you can excuse me for being frank in saying that. I know, just as knew when I met him, just as I knew the day he asked me to marry him, just as I knew when I was standing at the altar next to him, that this is what I need.” She smiles, almost weakly. “Can you give me that much, Kravitz?”

“Yes, of course, I just… you know what you’re getting into here, right?”

Julia nods. “I signed up for everything the world could throw at us, Kravitz. I love him. I can do this.”

-

It’s Taako who tells Lucretia, and it’s not entirely on purpose.

It’s really only because he’s _so mad at her, already_ , and she’s cornered him in the kitchen while he’s making dinner to ask him about why he’s been avoiding her, and he’s chewing her out and she’s taking it when he thinks of Wonderland.

“I can’t just forget--” he breaks off mid-sentence. “And another thing, you sent us into that hellhole, Luce, and we weren’t ready for it and you made Magnus-- I can’t believe you’d--” he breaks off, his throat still feeling tight when he thinks of the hatred in Magnus’s voice when he had said Kalen’s name, when he stood in front of his body and proclaimed that he had to kill someone with _those_ hands.

Lucretia frowns. “I made Magnus what, Taako? You aren’t making sense.”

Taako closes his eyes, his hands moving on pure instinct as they stir the pot in front of him. “In Wonderland, when none of us _really_ knew about anything,” he says, “Merle and I _died,_ Luce, and Magnus gave up his memory of the only person he thought he had ever really loved to bring us back. You don’t _get_ to come in here and apologize, capiche? Because that’s your fault too and,” he turns, levying his spoon at her accusingly, “Magnus can’t be mad for himself.”

Lucretia cannot think of what to say to him. She had watched Magnus and Julia. She hadn’t seen Magnus smile like he had when he looked at Julia in a long time, she’d watched their wedding from the shade of a large tree, hidden from sight, and listened to his vows. She had seen the shell of a man he became when he lost her. Her head is spinning. She hadn’t known… “Fisher,” she says, almost desperately. “Fisher should’ve--”

“Nope,” Taako says, popping the ‘p’ with a finality. “Didn’t work. We tried.”

Lucretia shakes her head. “But it should’ve…”

“He _can’t_ remember, Luce,” Taako says. “He’s never going to, not even when he--”

“Taako, Lup wants to know-- Lucretia?” Magnus says as he comes into the kitchen, stopping when he sees Lucretia standing against one wall.

She can barely bring herself to look at him. Taako is right; it’s her fault for sending them into Wonderland. And Magnus doesn’t even _know_. “I was just leaving,” she says quietly.

-

Carey calls them together, a few weeks before the wedding. Taako, Merle, Kravitz, Barry, Lup, and even Lucretia. She’s near-panicked when Barry and Lup finally rush in through the door, the others already assembled.

“What’s going on?” Lup asks, a little out of breath. She sits down on Carey’s couch next to Taako.

“Magnus, he-- Julia--” Carey manages, unballing her fist to reveal a pair of wedding rings. “I asked him and he didn’t… but everyone remembers, now, and he shouldn’t have…”

Lucretia stands up from her seat against the wall, putting a hand on Carey’s shoulder. “Slow down,” she says. “Tell us the story, from the beginning.”

Carey stops pacing for a moment, taking a deep breath to collect herself. Everyone watches her expectantly.

“I was asking Magnus about wedding rings because he made the engagement ring, for Killian, and he… he gave me these,” she puts Magnus and Julia’s rings down on the table. “And when he did I told him he didn’t have to do that because, after all, they were his and Julia’s and I knew how much they meant to him.” Taako and Merle exchange knowing looks. Lup, who heard the story from Barry, grits her teeth. Barry puts a hand on her knee. “He looked all confused and shook his head and he asked ‘who?’ and I didn’t understand and I said ‘ _Julia_ ,’ and gestured to the rings but…”

“What did he say, then,” Lucretia prompts.

Carey nods. “He said; ‘I’ve been carrying these for so long I’ve forgotten who they belonged to. I want you to have them. I think you’ll get more use out of them than I will.’ And I didn’t want to… I didn’t push him. But I had to…” she looks around at the others, slowly realizing that none of them seem surprised. “What’s going on?”

It’s Taako who finally speaks. “He forgot her,” Taako says quietly. There’s none of his usual energy in his voice. “In Wonderland.”

Carey frowns. Shakes her head. “He can’t have, I mean, you all know, right? It’s _Julia--”_

“I wish we were kidding,” Merle says. “It’s… he gave up his memory of her to bring us back.”

She’s so used to looking to Lucretia for guidance that she spins around, freezing when she sees the look on Lucretia’s face.

“We have to…” she frowns at all of them. “We have to make him remember.”

Barry speaks up. “He can’t, it doesn’t… I wish it worked like that, but it just _doesn’t._ ”

Carey shakes her head. “You guys,” she gestures to Taako, Merle, Lucretia, Lup, and Barry, “travelled through hundreds of worlds, you’re practically the most powerful magic users in the world, and you,” she points to Kravitz, “are literally death, and you’re telling me _none_ of you can do _anything.”_

The looks on their faces tell her everything she needs to know.

-

When Magnus dies, Carey is clutching one of his hands and Angus is clutching the other.

There is no mention of the wedding rings that Carey has kept safe for him on a chain around her neck.

When Kravitz appears, Magnus smiles at him.

Kravitz feels heavy as he helps Magnus to his feet. “My friend,” he says, “I think this one’s gonna take.”

Magnus laughs a little. “Well, let’s hope so for your sake, I don’t want you getting in trouble with the boss.”

As they wander, Kravitz figures out what he’s going to say in his head. “Listen, Magnus,” he says, as they set foot on the island. They still can’t see Julia. “You…” he doesn’t know where to start. “You deserve this. I’ll give you… as much time as you need.”

Magnus frowns. “I don’t understand.”

Kravitz closes his eyes. “I know,” he says. “Just… she loves you. Know that.”

And then he disappears.

And in his place, standing a few feet behind where he had been, is Julia. He does not know her, but when Magnus sees her, there’s a feeling in his chest he doesn’t understand.

She takes a step forward. “You lived so much longer than I thought you were going to,” she says.

“I don’t…” he can’t explain why the look on her face is making it so hard for him to breathe. “Who..?”

Julia smiles, sadly. “It’s okay,” she says, walking slowly up to him. She takes his hand in both of hers.

Not long after Kravitz had visited her, Barry had shown up on the island. He’d told her the story of Wonderland, of exactly what had happened, of what Magnus had said. She looks up at him, her eyes full of tears, and even though he cannot understand she whispers “you made me so proud.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t…” he frowns. “Who are you? Why are you _here_ ? I _died,_ I should be down there--” he gestures to the lake of souls below them.

Julia nods. “I know, it’s okay,” she says again. “My name is Julia. Come inside, I have a story to tell you.”

Magnus just stares at her, letting her gently guide him up the hill and to the house she has built for them. He knows the name, _Julia,_ it’s the name that he hears Kravitz and Taako and Barry and Carey and everyone else whispering when they think he isn’t listening. But he still can’t understand the woman in front of him, can’t understand the fact that there is something tugging at his chest, sitting heavy against his heartbeat.

“It all started,” Julia says, “when I met the kindest, strongest man I had ever encountered, and he began to teach me how to fight…” She pauses as they approach the door of the house, looking at it with an unreadable expression.

He looks it over too. The craftsmanship, he thinks, is excellent. He couldn’t have done better himself. He thinks to tell her this, and before he realizes it he’s opened his mouth.

“Did you make this?” he asks.

Julia is silent for a long moment. “Yeah.” She looks so sad, and Magnus wonders if maybe telling her how much he admires her work would make her smile. She seems like the type to have a beautiful laugh.

“The craftsmanship is really good,” he says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “The joints, all of it, and-- is that cedar? Great choice, it really smells amazing.”

“I’ve…” _envisioned this moment for a long time, Magnus, and I was so hoping you would compliment the joints_. She can’t tell him that, not like this. Instead, she shakes her head. “Thanks,” she says. “I learned from the best.”

Magnus looks at the tears in Julia’s eyes as she turns to him and tries to smile again, and something in the back of his mind whispers that he loved her once, that he still loves her. That he still _knows_ this, but he just has to remember.

He doesn’t hear this, but the ache in his chest does, and it lessens just a bit as she leads him inside the house.

-

 

**Author's Note:**

> ..... I have no excuses for this angst.   
>  Thank you to the TFW discord for yelling at me as I wrote it and motivating me to Increase The Angst. And thank you so much to eden (totillagarden) for beataing this she’s such a delight. (Also shoutout to her and mango (malevolentmango) for being such good FicWonderland liches bc I learned how to write Lydia and Edward from watching them.)


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